It’s Friday and I can wait for the weekend. The problem is I want a Cialis lifestyle. I want a relationship with a woman who’s close to my age who; tucks her head into her turtleneck sweater while watching a scary movie, dances to the tunes on her Ipod, who offers me a towel or cold drink while I’m working in the yard. In short I want a mature relationship that looks a lot like the image of an adult relationship as filtered by some overpaid college grad working in an office. I know it won’t happen because all of the women in the commercials are married to a guy who cooks supper, cleans house and knows what side his bread is buttered on. It’s not that I don’t see women that I’d love to start a relationship with. This became obvious Wednesday when I made a run to the local Stop & Shop. I’m a morning shopper. It frees up time for naps and TV. I went at one in the afternoon. The list was short and I could be in and out in no time. It started in produce. There was a flock of Mothers I’d Like To Talk To all over the place. It was every oversexed drunk’s dream. You’ve heard the story, it starts “So I was there picking out a cucumber when this hot chick comes and says ‘I like the size of that one’ “. I was distracted. I wasn’t drooling but this beat the hell out of the Senior Citizen Brigade who bussed in at eight thirty. I’m heading toward the bus, not soon, but it’s parked down the street. Back to produce, the women were sorting through peppers, grapefruits, artchokes and said cucumbers in hopes of preparing a dinner for a husband that was due at five. I kept on point. Mushrooms, fruit salad, juice and seltzer. I wandered up a down the aisles. There were shopping women everywhere. Behind me I heard a clicking, high heels. I didn’t want to turn around and stare. In the cereal aisle I stopped and pretended to check the ingredients and snuck a peek. High heeled boots, tailored slacks, white knit top, all of this under a leather coat. Physically she was stunning, blond hair cut medium, a face that looked as if God custom made it for this woman. She was trim and the cart full of vegetables and other healthy things. In my brain the only thing that I heard was “Cart full of veggies, I’ll have to go back to produce and check out the artichokes.” Not very originial or witty. Inside my whole being was locked into “I really like this woman, even if she may be a serial killer” mode. Reality and common sense took over. I remembered what I looked like, my maladroit attempts at witty banter and the fact I shared an apartment in a semi-iffy part of town. And of course, she was married to a phsically fit, upwardly mobile suit who wrote TV spots for Cialis.

The good news is, Christmas music is fading away. The bad news, Santa Finds Love, A Christmas Miracle etc are still hanging on.

See you on Monday.

Oh yeah, remember a drunk sloppy New Years can only lead to assignations that are sloppy and forgettable. Stay close to sober. Sex is better when you remember it.