Dear Papa Phil.
Just a note. I believe you are a truly Christian person, but you should know one really big thing. Jesus said love the sinner not the sin. Comparing homosexuals to those who practice bestiality and all other sorts of sinfulness is just wrong. If you don’t agree with what they do, keep it to yourself. Don’t go spouting off especially if there’s a camera running or a reporter from a national magazine. You and your family made a bunch of bucks luring ducks to their death. You had it made. An American success story, and on TV to boot. Now you let your superstitions beliefs bring a ton of controversy down on your house. You’re not going to last. Yeah, you’ll keep selling duck calls but the image of your family is forever tarnished. Look, I know a lot of people say they support you. Watch them, they’ll glom onto you like a leech in a swamp, especially that Palin woman. Stay the hell away from her. She’s a media whore and will ride anybody who’ll keep her name in the press. The preachers? If they had their way they’d clean you guys up, trim the beards and put you on the Bayou Agin Sin Tour. Piece of advice, kick back, take a sip or two of your favorite strong beverage and think. Was it worth it? You’ll probably lose the Chia Pet thing. Homosexual duck hunters won’t buy your calls. And the rest of the U.S. of A. won’t give a rat’s ass about you by February 1st. Oh yeah, don’t apologize, it’ll sound insincere.

When I went on-line back in ’07 I might have given money to politicians and causes that I believed in. Now in 2013 I’m getting e-mails from politicians in every borough and shire in the country asking me for money to overturn the opposition. Not only Democrats but Republicans and the odd Libertarian. They try to play on my sense that America needs change. I know that but these guys are the problem I’m talking about. The entrenched politicians that we reelect every cycle. I don’t want to donate money to somebody running in Idaho or Illinois or Maryland or God knows where. Aren’t there enough people living in these areas to help their own candidates. Or at least go out and freaking vote. The people outside your state can’t vote there, only spend money to convince you that it’s not worth going out to vote because they’ve already won. I gave to the Humane Society because it ahs always been a source of cats for me. Every animal saving society wants me to help that kitten or puppy they rescued. Don’t talk about the environment. I gave to the Sierra Club once and now everyone who wants to save the planet wants me to help. I care, but I can’t do it alone, e-mail someone else. Don’t buy anything on-line. If you do somebody will ask you buy more crap that is useless than anything on Earth. My downfall was an octopus with four USB ports on it. It sounded great. The problem is two devices take twice as long, three, three times as long etc. They send me a bag to microwave potatoes in or various lights and lanterns in case the power goes out. AND battery chargers for the batteries you’ll use for all of those lights and lanterns. They don’t tell you that you need rechargeable batteries to use the recharger. On the upside, there’s always something to read on the dull side.

Back some years ago I had renal failure. I went into a 21 day coma spent time in the ICU and was moved to a ward. I had a TV. For $2.50 a day some guy would put a chip in the TV so I could get cable. I didn’t have $2.50. I watched ABC, CBS and NBC. There was this show on, Survivor. I watched because nothing else interested me. I felt IQ points drop every minute. I prayed it would get cancelled, God hate me. Since then we’ve gotten Amazing Race, American Idol, The Voice, Dancing With the Stars et. al. I began watching television in the fifties when it was populated with characters created by some of the best writers in the business. The sitcoms were sometimes absurd but we bought them because we’d just seen the world try to destroy itself with our help and a Communist monolith looking over our shoulder. Paranoia was rampant, kids were being brain-washed, and adults were seriously pursuing the pleasure principle. There were game shows, until they imploded. Drama ruled. You could see Requiem for a Heavyweight or if you liked something lighter No Time For Sergeants. Neil Simon, Woody Allen Paddy Chayefsky wrote for the small screen. The black and white screen reflected the times. Color came with Bonanza. Everything went colorized after that. And idiocy began. It seemed that the intelligence of television dropped, a bunch. This rant could go on forever. What I miss are the variety shows. I saw Elvis, the Beatles, the Stones and all of those gateway British groups. I was introduced to political satire by Mort Sahl and the Smothers Brothers, not to mention Richard Pryor when you could see him. American Bandstand was an afternoon standard (I’ll give it an eighty, it sounds nice and its easy to dance to.) If you’re tired of simple canned entertainment write the networks tell them to put writers and actors back to work and stop taking the easy way out. After the Survivor episode I prayed for another coma.

See you in the funnies.