Words and Numbers 55
Posted on April 27, 2012
The mail came Wednesday. Got the New Yorker and Sun magazines and a bonus. I got my copy of Dr. Leonard’s, America’s Leading Discount Healthcare Catalog. I usually toss junk mail. Catalogs are spared if they’ve got something I want; books, CDs. The rest get recycled. I decided to check what the doc had for sale. The cover advertized “Lose Weight Naturally”. I’m paying attention. As seen on Dr. Oz Show. Okay, how much? $14.99. A bargain!!!! Other medical paraphenalia included fitted tablecloths for your sick dinig room table. As I paged through I found smoking cures, animal repellers, 100% cotton dresses and something to protect your tummy from heat rash and infection. I didn’t know you could use the Sticky Buddy to take careof all those problems you can’t talk to your doctor about. How about a can of Flex Seal to take care of those pesky incontinence problems. If you’re in a hurry to check your mail for any medical wonders you can get slip-on sneakers. Kept going, toe nail clippers, denture whitener, shoes, jewelry, bird feeders and home furnishings. The doctor must’ve been getting a lot of stuff as payment for services (this can’t be his full-time gig). Okay, I can see squirrel chasers to get rid of those furry critters we stuff down our shorts and don’t want to leave when the fun is over. Lawn seed? Maybe for making a green statement on that bald spot you’ve been covering with hats and outdated toupees. The doc seems to believe that magnets canheal things, he’s got a lot of them advertised along with healing jewelry. This thing is beginning to look like a Street and Smith catalog for hypochondriacs. You’ve got to get to page 42 before you get to what the doc makes the big bucks on, sex aids. Multicolored vibrators and male enhancement pills. You can double your pleasure, restore the passion, maximize your satisfaction and bend it. flex it. He’s got support rings for men. Who’da thunk it? After you’ve made your choice of sexual implement you move on to more mundane things like toe fungus cures, portable massagers, more weight loss pills, medicinal toilet seats and hot water bottles (anybody with a mom or grandma who thought anything could be cured with a good cleaning knows about them). Dr. Leonard can heal them all or sell you something that will take your mind off carpal tunnel, diabetes, the fact you’re going deaf, or are living in the dark (he’s got battery lanterns). And to think I’ve been spending all my time with a college educated M.D. Doc you’ve got a new patient. Send me those compression socks, toe seperators for my flip flops, a pair of suspenders and oh yeah, that DVD on page 26, Totally Naked Yoga and Tai Chi, a bottle of those Marathon Pills and the Deluxe Door Guard to keep me secure.